


Ours

by JaneAire



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Comfort, Depersonalization derealization syndrome, F/M, First person reader, Mentions of Sex, POV Changes, Panic Attacks, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-15
Updated: 2017-09-15
Packaged: 2018-12-30 00:23:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12096642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaneAire/pseuds/JaneAire
Summary: The squad keeps teasing the reader and Connor for sneaking off to get down and dirty--except that isn't the case at all. Evan sets the squad straight. | Connor taking care of a reader with depersonalization derealization syndrome.Requested from my tumblr





	Ours

“You all are the luckiest people on the planet!”

I found this hard to believe. It was sort of comical, however, in an only vaguely tolerable way, to see Jared Kleinman kick down the Murphy’s door, juggling several boxes of pizza and a brown paper bag full of God knows what. 

“Care to elaborate on that?” Alana called, looking only half way over her shoulder. She and Zoe were on the floor, playing what appeared to be a very intense game of _Sorry!_ They were already in their pajamas–yes, at six in the afternoon–and six of us had decided to have a lowkey party at the Murphy’s, since Cynthia and Larry had evacuated for a romantic weekend. Evan was parked in a recliner, his legs folded crisscross applesauce–his words, not mine–watching the girls’ game with genuine interest. 

Connor and I were on the couch, my back to his chest, reclining. He was twitchy, and he had been all evening. I’d briefly asked him earlier if he’d wanted to skip the party, but he’d said no. Still, he laid behind me, combing out my hair with his fingers a little too roughly, his hips shifting uncomfortably every few seconds. 

Jared stumbled in, dropping the pizza boxes onto the carpet–earning a loud scream of protest from both Murphy kids, the sound deafening my left ear. Connor felt me flinch and pressed a seamless kiss of apology to my jaw. I felt Evan smile at me from across the room–shy, like he wasn’t sure where to look. I tossed back a lighthearted smile, before turning my attention back to Jared. 

“Because, my sweet flower,” Jared began, kicking the door shut and beginning to pull items out of his paper bag, the parcel crinkling annoyingly loud. 

“Sweet flower?” Alana squawked, earning a glare from Zoe, who popped the dice unceremoniously and continued to move her peg through the holes. 

“I come bearing gifts,” he continued loudly, brandishing his items proudly above his head. “Scotch, condoms, and _Cosmopolitan_.” 

There was a moment of silence, the five of us glancing between the boy in the glasses, his pitiful treasure, and doilies Mrs. Murphy kept on the coffee table. 

“I’ll take a slice of cheese,” Zoe called, stoic, Alana reaching around Jared to grab the top box and place it on her lap. Evan and Connor both had to bite down on their laughter at the sight of Jared’s shocked face–shaking beneath me, his breath at my ear, Connor felt like a reassurance that tonight wouldn’t be totally awful. 

It wasn’t that I didn’t like our friends, it’s just that since we’d told them we started dating, they’d been a real pain. 

“I hold in my fist illegal things!” Jared screeched, tossing the magazine on the floor overzealously. “And you choose to ignore me?” 

“My mom owns Cosmos, dude,” I said, rolling over onto my stomach so that I could rest my chin on Connor’s chest, grinning up at him with tired eyes. School had been long for both of us today, and, frankly, I could stand to skip ahead to the part of the night where he kissed senseless in his bedroom. 

“There’s wine on the rack, dumbass, and it’s a movie night, no one’s drinking?” Zoe said without looking up from her board game, tugging on one of her braids in thought. 

“And who are the condoms for, idiot?” Connor nearly yelled, sitting up and jostling me back into a sitting position, my head swimming for a minute with the sudden movement, before relaxing against the arm of the chair. 

Jared’s head swiveled, comically, between Alana, Zoe, and I briefly, before his eyes glued on Evan.

“Boys night?” 

“ _No, you creep!_ ”

We all laughed for a moment, watching Evan turn a sharp shade of crimson, curling in on himself in the chair. Zoe snorted a little too loudly when she laughed. 

It was beginning to get frustrating–not making me sick yet, but any means, but nonetheless annoying. Because I knew what was coming, and it was only gonna piss Connor off–

“I’ll just give the condoms to Connor,” Jared said, throwing the box so that it landed in the empty space between us on the couch. There was suddenly lead in the bottom of my stomach. 

Everyone realized, watching with baited breath as Connor eyed the box with firey eyes and a set mouth, a sudden blush creeping up his neck. It could set it off–shit like this had in the past. Still, I think–

“Gross, man,” he said, lightly kicking the box to the floor. His feet were bare tonight, void of the cute socks he usually wore, and after his movement he shoved them under my thigh–either for concealment or warmth, I didn’t know, but I scratched at the back of his calf loyally, letting him know what he did was the right thing. 

_Proud of you._

He grinned softly at his lap, and I could tell he was proud of himself too. 

“What do you mean by that?” Jared screeched, reviving the headache that had started to blur. 

“Drop it, Jared,” Alana warned, dropping a handful of green pieces back into the cardboard box, each thunk sending a hot jolt through my head. 

“They’re sex machines!” He protested, and I felt Connor nearly choke beside me, drawing his feet away and stuffing them under a cushion. “Are you guys seriously not using protection.” 

“Alana said drop it,” Evan said quietly, shocking all of us. “So leave them alone. It’s none of your business.”

“Whose ready for the movie?” Alana covered seamlessly, beginning to set up the tv while the rest of us began to calm. 

Connor was shaking, and, away from him, I didn’t feel like he wanted me to reach out and touch him. I waited for the signal, something or anything that was him asking to get out of here, but he never gave it, just curled in on himself and watched the tv with blank eyes. 

I shot Evan a smile, nodding in thanks. 

What Evan had said was the truth–it wasn’t any of Jared’s business. It had unfortunately become Evan’s business, at one point, making him aware of the glaring fact that no one else in the room seemed to believe could ever be true: Connor and I were still virgins. We hadn’t slept together–and, we hadn’t planned for it in the near future. We just weren’t ready yet. 

Not that anyone here would ever believe that. 

I’m not sure I wanted them to, either. 

Because at least that white lie kept the truth hidden, and maybe that’s the way it would stay. 

—-

“Unpopular opinion: this movie sucks.” 

“I agree.” 

“We can’t watch romantic flicks or Mr. and Mrs. Murphy get ideas and leave early. This shitty sci-fi shit was all I had on hand.” 

“Pass the alcohol, I changed my mind about what kind of party this is.” 

Their voices were loud, pounding noises against my skull without really making any sense as to what they were saying at all. The dark should’ve helped, or I thought it would, but the high saturation neon colors and loud artificial gunshots on the television screen paired with the nonstop chatter of our friends made it difficult to concentrate, difficult to breathe. Everything was too much at once. 

It was like living in a glass box, everything around me was vibrate and loud, amplified to the nth degree–but none of it felt real. Connor was staring unattentively ahead, his hands twitching in his lap. He hadn’t touched me all night. It usually wasn’t a big deal–I knew he was doing it to avoid the constant teasing about our PDA. It was starting to set him off, I could tell. Still, I just wanted a reminder I was real. 

I decided to screw it, all their comments be damned, reaching out for Connor’s wrist as the signal. 

His eyes snapped up to me immediately, concerned, his pink mouth forming an o. My hands were numb. He rose without a work, linking our hands and dragging me from the room. 

“Where do you two think you’re going? It’s a little early to fuck, isn’t it?”

“C'mon guys, can’t you watch the movie? I don’t like knowing you’re doing that while I’m in the house.” 

“–and Connor, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s–” 

I had barely contained my sobs by the time Connor shut the door. 

—-

“You guys shouldn’t do that,” Evan glared, turning off the movie and setting the popcorn bowl aside. 

Jared snorted. “We shouldn’t do what? They’re the ones running off to screw each other’s brains out. It’s gross. We’re in the house. It’s bad enough they’re all over one another at school.” 

“Yeah,” Alana agreed. “I mean, if they don’t want to hear us complain about it, why do it?” 

“I can’t believe she can stand to touch my brother,” Zoe groaned. “He was being a real dick tonight.” 

“You guys are so stupid!” Evan nearly yelled, shocking the other three with his uncharacteristic outburst, burying his hands in his usually neat hair. “They aren’t–they’re not–” 

—-   
“Breathe, baby, breathe.”

His hands were roaming all over, pressing to my chest, watching his hands rise and fall too rapidly. I needed to slow down, breathe deeper. His eyes were concerned, hair falling into his face from where he leaned over me, knees on either sides of my hips. His hands scrubbed quickly at my shoulders. 

“Feel me? I’m right here, you’re right here, we’re fine. Fuck, I love you, _I’m here_.” 

It helped–he knew how to help, when it all became too much for me to handle. Touching me–it keep me grounded, reminded me what reality was, where it was. Connor was safety, I knew. 

He leaned down, pressing his temple against my jaw, pressing kisses down my neck. We took turns like this–when he overheated, I was there for him, and when I had a bad episode, he was there for me. 

“I’ve got you.” 

—-

“What do you mean they aren’t having sex?” 

“Let go of my shirt, Jared!” 

“How do you know they aren’t having sex?” Zoe demanded. The three of them had Evan cornered, cowering into the wall. Evan’s bright pink face heated considerable. 

“I walked in on them once? It was at school, after they, uh, left us. It’s not really any of my business–” 

“Spit it out.” 

“Whenever, uh, she doesn’t feel well–they have this code, she told me. Whenever Connor is upset or paranoid or she has a bad episode–” 

“Episode?” Zoe asked, eyebrows scrunched. Evan paled. 

“She never told you? She has Depersonalization Derealization Syndrome. Um, from what she explained it’s, uh, a lot of sensory overload–too loud, too bright, too everything–and she gets these episodes where stuff doesn’t seem real, I guess? I’m not sure I’m explaining it right.” 

“I’ve heard of that, I think,” Alana said brightly, her face pinched. 

“Oh, crap,” Zoe whispered, “and we’ve been making fun of them this whole time?” 

“Well,” Jared sighed. “I feel shitty. Feel even shittier knowing Connor isn’t getting his dick wet, like, at all–” 

“Just stop giving them crap,” Evan grumbled. “They don’t deserve it.” 

“Yeah,” Zoe nodded sagely, scrubbing a hand over her face. “Yeah, okay.” 

—-

“Feeling better?” 

“Mhm,” I sighed, leaning back into Connor’s touch. He was wrapped around me, our foreheads bumped together under his sheets. He leaned up to sneak a peck at my lips. 

“I’m sorry about them,” he apologized again, squeezing my hands in apology, leaning in again to press a lingering kiss to my cheek, earning a giggle. 

“Don’t be. Thanks for every.” 

He smiled softly, his jaw clicking softly, eyes soft. “Always for you, sweet girl.” 

“Don’t get too sappy,” I warned. “They’ll get suspicious.” 

“I’m allowed to be sappy when no one is looking,” he protested, kissing my jaw. “I love you.” 

“Love you more.” 

“Not possible,” he protested, finally leaning forward to seal his lips with mine, his hands grabbing softly at my waist. Connor was safety, I remembered, and I love him more than anything for it. The others could say what they liked–I wouldn’t trade him for the world.


End file.
